May Group Giveaway - Starbucks Gift Card!!

Well, hello there! I am so excited about this month's Group Giveaway - because seriously, who doesn't love Starbucks? Even though I'm preggo and cut out the caffeine I still like to go and treat myself to a decaf every now and then! Just imagine how many yummy drinks you could get with this gift card! A HUGE thank you to all of my wonderful sponsors who made this possible!

Enter for your chance to win via the Rafflecopter below:

GOOD LUCK!!

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when you're being judged.

Source: findinghappyy.tumblr.com via Kendall on Pinterest

Today I spent a good 15 minutes crying in my car.

Wyatt and I had our first (and last) Speech Delay Support group meeting. We woke up early, got ready, and drove 35 minutes to the library where it was being held. It was a small group of about 5 children and their mothers. We walked into the room and met with the instructor - she seemed nice and the nervousness I had all morning was slowly beginning to melt.

The other moms arrived and brought their children in the room and everyone sat around a white mat with two plastic bins in the center. The bins were filled with some small toys. Wyatt was running around the room, looking out the windows, and stopping every few seconds to smile at the other kids. But the other children were sitting still in front of their parents. I tried to get Wyatt to sit with me on the floor and he immediately started to cry. He didn't want to sit. He wanted to explore the room, he wanted to look out the windows and watch the flower petals float off the blooms of the trees.

While I was walking around the room with Wyatt - someone asked me if I was pregnant - then made sure to tell me that she spaced out her pregnancies a few years so she wouldn't have to chase after a toddler. And when she said it - she used... "the tone".

You know what I'm talking about. The "i'm-better-than-you" tone.
I didn't really feel like diving into our fertility issues with this women. I didn't feel like explaining  that I had Endometriosis that was growing at an abnormal pace. That if we wanted to have another baby at all - it had to be now. Instead I just nodded my head and was silent.

The moms in the room just stared at me. Stared like I was the worst mother in the world. They looked at Wyatt - looked at him like he was crazy. I watched as they glanced at him, then at each other.

They were judging us.

One of the moms even said...
                                                is he always like this?

I felt my heart sinking. This was a place where we were supposed to feel safe. Where we were supposed to be welcomed. Everyone in that room had a child with a speech delay - weren't we supposed to be supportive of one another?

The instructor left the room for a moment and it became extremely quiet.
I could feel the heat of the eyes of those moms on me, on Wyatt.

I picked up my bag just as the instructor was coming back in. I told her that we were leaving. I walked over, grabbed Wyatt's hand, and walked out of the room without giving those women the terrible stink eye that they had been giving us.

As the door closed behind me, I felt my face get warm and flushed. I tried to hold it in until we got to the car. But the elevator ride back down to the first floor with my sons hand in mine was too intense. I looked down at him and he was looking up at me, excited that we were walking together. By the time the elevator doors opened tears were streaming down my face. I kept my head down, put Wyatt on my hip and walked as fast as I could toward the front doors.

It took me 15 minutes to calm down before starting the drive home.
15 minutes of sobbing with my head on the steering wheel while calling my mother.

It made me realize just how hateful some people are. But at the same time, it made me really appreciate my family. I love my son. I don't care if he likes to run and play - he's nearly a 2 year old for crying out loud.

Have you ever felt judged?

Source: vineyarddreams.tumblr.com via Kendall on Pinterest

a mother's love.

The palm on your fevered brow, the soft kisses when you need them most, the grip that steadies you on rocky roads, the hand that feeds and nurtures you, the voice that tells you that you are loved, the shadow that walks beside you unconditional and enduring, a mother's love. -Sunita Sharma

about the testing that comes with a Speech Delay.

The main thing that I've learned about speech delay is that it's hard.
It's hard to watch as Wyatt struggles to try and speak.
It's hard to be on this path, attempting to figure out what is wrong - or if there is anything wrong.
It seems like a mix of opinions from people who have evaluated Wyatt.

Either way, the poor little man has been through a lot lately - and slowly but surely it's breaking my heart. I just want to take all of the pain away from him. The pain of blood testing, doctors visits, and the countless evaluations. I want to make everyday a good day for him.

Yesterday I watched as my father-in-law and husband walked Wyatt into the Lab for blood testing. I couldn't bring myself to go in. The last time I left a sobbing mess. So I sat in the waiting room and listened as my little baby screamed and cried. I kept getting up from my chair and peeking in at him to see if it was done. To see if I could rush in and grab him and cover his tear-stained cheeks with kisses. People in the waiting room talked to me - but I didn't listen. They asked if he was my son. What he was there for. Why they were taking his blood.

I blocked them out. I politely nodded and responded with simple phrases. I didn't want to discuss my sons medical history with everyone there. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to make sure my son was okay. And then I heard it - a muffled - but clear - ALL DONE.

I rushed to the door and pulled it open. Wyatt was being lifted off of Williams lap and was being safety lifted into his Puppa's arms. It was over. I could see the sadness in William and his father's face. I knew it was a difficult thing for them to do.

The next big test is Wyatt's MRI.
The only day I could schedule it was on Wyatt's birthday (go figure).

QUESTION:

Has your child ever gotten an MRI? 

What was your experience like?

the little things.

It's the little things.
Like sneaking in to listen to your baby's sweet little snores.
Going to the grocery store and spending half the time holding hands.
Buying a bouquet of orange carnations, just because.
Watching the excitement on Wyatt's face as he runs in the park.
Picking pretty white flowers on a nature walk and putting them in Wyatt's room so he can fall asleep to the smell of their sweet nectar.
And watching as your two favorite people in the world walk off into the sunset..
And thinking that in a few short months another little one will join our family.

It's all about remembering these sweet and precious moments.

Mohawk Home Mixed Chevrons Rug Review + Giveaway!

Hey friends! Today I'm going to talk to you about my new rug! I'm a little a lot obsessed with it actually. I've posted a few pictures on my Instagram account and the response has been crazy! Everyone wants to know the deets on this here rug! 

So, here they are:

• It's called the Mohawk Home Mixed Chevrons Area Rug 
• You can purchase it from Target >> here. 
• I have the 5x8 sized rug (8x10 is available too!)
•  Check out the Mohawk Flooring site + see the inspiration for the rug >> here.

And now for some pictures:

Doesn't it just brighten up the entire room? I wake up in the morning with a sleepy Wyatt on my hip and we sit down on the floor and get our day started. It's such a huge difference when you're waking up to bright and cheery colors - it's a sure-fire way to make you smile.

I'm loving the rug in the living room - but we're thinking of putting it in the nursery for baby #2! Don't you think it would be a great rug for a nursery? It's a really thick weave so I know it can hold up to little ones playing on it. There are just SO many options here people!

So, what do YOU think? 

Where would YOU put this rug in your home?

 (PS: I told you I was obsessed).

You can check out Mohawk Rugs here:

facebook // twitter // Youtube // Pinterest

Now for the FUN part!
Enter to win a rug of your very own using the Rafflecopter below:

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Disclosure: This rug was sent to me from the company in exchange for an honest review. I absolutely love this product and would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for an awesome high-quality piece for their home!

wrestling with my fears.

The scary thing about an Autism Evaluation is the fact that it's an Autism Evaluation.
The morning of the appointment I felt unsure. I was nervous. A small part of me was convinced that maybe this would be the diagnosis that put all of the thoughts floating around to rest.

Instead it seems as if all of those thoughts were simply poured into a glass jar and shaken.

It reminds me of when I was younger and my brothers and I would play in my grandmothers backyard at night. We would always beg her for a jar to catch lighting bugs in. I remember running around the yard on warm summer nights with my brothers catching bugs. My brothers would smush the bugs against their skin until all that was left was the whisper of a faint neon glow. I remember how much I hated this. I kept my bugs safe in their jar, took them inside, and poked holes in the top. I remember falling asleep tucked under the thin sheets watching the little bellies of these precious bugs illuminate. My mind has been like a jar jam-packed with lighting bugs. Swarming and swarming round and round.

It turns out Wyatt passed his evaluation with flying colors. "He doesn't have Autism," the doctor said.

I wish I could say that after that statement William and I stood up to kiss each other, grabbed Wyatt and left that building. But that's not what happened. The doctor followed up that statement with the dreaded "But....." and my heart sank. Of course. Of course this wasn't over.

She said that during the evaluation when she was examining Wyatt's legs she noticed that he had some extra muscle mass. She said this is a common finding in kinds with neurological delays. She then said that she wanted Wyatt to have blood testing and and MRI.

My mind immediately flashed to an old episode of Grey's Anatomy and I had to stop myself before I let my thoughts spiral. The doctor said that sometimes when a fetus doesn't get enough oxygen to certain parts of their brain certain things can happen. So we're looking at Wyatt's brain to see if this is simply a speech delay, or if there is something more to it. But the extra muscle mass in his legs leads her to assume that there may be more.

We left her office feeling incredibly beaten-down. I held it together until we got to the car. I tried my best not to cry in front of Wyatt. I tried. But it was merely minutes before I felt the warmth and wetness dripping off my chin - and before I knew it - I was sobbing into my hands.

My baby. My baby is going to have an MRI.

To make matters worse - after the appointment we took Wyatt to the lab to get his blood drawn. There were two ladies poking him with needles in his arm and hand - and they couldn't get anything. It was like they had never drawn a toddlers blood before. Wyatt's body was shaking and shifting on the table under the weight of William and I attempting to hold him down. I softly sang the ABC's in his ear but it did nothing to help. He looked up at me with tear-filled eyes and screamed. After they poked and wiggled in his arm, they poked and wiggled in his hand. Wyatt was drenched in sweat and hysterically crying. 15 minutes into it - I picked my baby up from the table and told them we were done.

So, that's it folks.
I wish I had something happier to report.
But this is it - the genuine and raw truth.

We don't know what's wrong with Wyatt.

What if they see something wrong in his brain?

What if it's not just a speech delay?

What if it's true what the doctor says - that he didn't get enough oxygen in pregnancy?

Is this my fault? My body's fault?

This is what I'm wrestling with.